


He left

by blueishdesire



Series: Raman shifts [1]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Fanfiction, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 09:35:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14746340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueishdesire/pseuds/blueishdesire
Summary: If he knew. If he only knew back then, maybe the aftermath would be different. Armed with those precious information, he would act more wisely. Calmly. Serenely. Maybe he would know how to stop himself, how to not ruin lives – not only his but mostly of so many other people.





	He left

_He came._

_He left._

_Nothing else had changed_

_Yet nothing would be the same._

            If he knew. If he only knew back then, maybe the aftermath would be different. Armed with those precious information, he would act more wisely. Calmly. Serenely. Maybe he would know how to stop himself, how to not ruin lives – not only his but mostly of so many other people. People that he loved and cared about. And yet, above all love he had for them, above all care, all devotion he couldn’t stop himself from being utterly and completely happy for that short amount of time. Even though he knew it wouldn’t last long. Even though he knew it was only leading him to pain and sorrow. Even though he knew it will wreck him and tear him apart. Yet he couldn’t. Couldn’t just walk past it as if it was nothing. Nothing at all.

_Can't I just turn back the clock?_

_Forgive my sins_

_I just wanna roll my sleeves up_

_And start again_

 

            If he really knew how it’s got to end, would he go for it? Such a simple question with such a simple answer, that he knew all along from the beginning. And still he couldn’t say it at loud. Because somehow, that being said, with all awareness it would become a real, living thing.  But what he didn’t knew ... no. He knew this but with all his strength suppressed this inside, placing in some corner of his heart. Knowing perfectly it was there. Patiently waiting. Waiting to be free. For his affliction it also lived outside, in the real world. And that was exactly what scared hit the most.

             Why had to be so much pain in it? Why it couldn’t be simple and easy? Why he had felt it with all his heart, with every fibre and cell of his body? Why it had to be him to feel all of it?! Why it couldn’t be just love. Love that bring happiness, small kisses, lovely smiles, cuddling on the couch. Just why?

_And they told you it was written in the stars_

_But you've never had a chance to look that far_

            Maybe he knew the answers for all those questions. Maybe he had to punish himself. Again and again. Because feeling this pain was something allowing him to feel anything. He could handle the pain. It was simply reminding him about all joy and happiness he had. How lucky he was in that time. Yet it was still showing him what he had lost and won’t have again. Because this love was always inside him. Love that he couldn’t fight, he could only feel how it was filling eternity, leaving him to only be there to sense it. Love so unbearable to live with. Always whispering _what if_.

_All around the world_

_People like you and me falling in love_

           

            You live your life and suddenly everything changes. In a click. Just instant and you can’t find yourself in this new world. You think – you hope it will eventually go away. But it doesn’t. So you start to ask yourself what you did wrong? Why can’t you be happy? And then answers comes with such clarity and plainness, that it shatters you. Because you know that it’s your fault, because you put opinion and feelings of everyone else above your own happiness. Crushed. Broken. Ripped apart.

_I wish I had one friend I wasn’t destined to lose_

            I’ve lost him. Not completely but our relationship won’t be the same again. We both know it. And I’ve lost a part of myself when I let him go. When I recall our last meeting, I’m surprised. Surprised because all I wanted in that precise moment was hold him tight. Hold him and never let go. Yet my  thoughts were different than my actions. I remember how he looked at me. With those green eyes. Saying everything and nothing at the same time. _Light of my eyes._ Memory is a tricky ability. You sense, you feel, maybe you even understand. But later it’s hard to bring it all back, to play it in your head as video to savour every second of it. To learn every second. Every gesture. And then you feel as all of it is wrong, you play it all over again in your mind and it’s not right. Not how it’s supposed to be. Not the same. _Tricky_

            I felt overwhelmed. Only because we were in the same room. Only because the same air that rushed trough his lungs was also in mine. Only because I could finally touch him. I could feel his fear emanating from his body towards me. Begging to stop.

_Tim_

            I finally said but my own voice failed me. He looked at me again. Tears clearly visible in his eyes. His hand in pockets of his jeans. So fragile. So vulnerable.

_I just can’t_

            There was so many words I wanted to say, so many things and still all I could to was crash him. I was trembling and I knew with every cell of my body that I won’t last long and if he won’t walk away soon enough, I’ll fail.

_What you want me to say?_

            His heart was smashed against the wall. Crumble into a thousand pieces. I’ve heard sound of door closing after him. I collapsed on the floor, trembling. I was left with my pain, haunted with the last gaze he gave me before leaving. Maybe after all it was my heart crumbled into a thousand pieces. Or more accurately _our hearts._

**_Time makes us sentimental. Perhaps, in the end, it is because of time that we suffer._ **

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just not good at this. So maybe for now no notes until someone will like it.  
> Also - I'm not native english speaker - all mistakes are mine (forgive for that)


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